Is this the place I want to be?
By Matty D. Baumann
I recall a time…..
And I’m here because of you because I couldn’t sit in that empty house any longer. In this new room with nothing but me and my thoughts and picture of you. The case numbers rise and all I can do is shake my head. I finally found out how dependable I am and how selfish I acted sometimes. Maybe that’s the critique of the 21st century, on how dependable we actually are towards everyone and how we are too clever to weasel out of something more difficult to process in our mind. Because we are to scared of what consequences we might find in our mind. Realising who we will lose eventually in life. I think being free and independent is one of the first worlds greatest illusions that we bequest on ourselves.
Maybe we let this illusion be to overcome us because of the lack of meaning in our life. Scared to reach out and for a connection or relationships with people, because we fear heart ache. We protect ourselves with news articles and Facebook posts that talk about how horrible the world is and for that we use it as an excuse to stay inside and not trust any stranger. Tv doesn’t help either, always showing us people with motives not faithful to the real world. Wanting to be rich and successful. Never shining a mirror on us, just the reflection of the producer’s 24 carat gold watch.
Is this the place that I want to be?
Are sure?
Are you sure?
Are you sure?
Are You sure?
Are you sure?
Are you Sure?
Are you sure?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you sure?
Are you sure you are okay?
No I’m not but why would I break your heart and share my pain with you, what a terrible gift for you. I haven’t given many good gifts over the years, why give this. I’m making an excuse again, maybe I should tell her and we can share our pains but it should be an equivalent exchange of feelings. Maybe not as depressing as mine but maybe I need to open more often to hear and share and shoulder someone’s pain when they need my help instead of slowly drifting and drifting and drifting away from them. They keep reaching out and I keep floating away like a ball in the water. I need to swim back and or least be tied to a rope, so I don’t float too far away.
What if I scare them if I open up, they see a side that they can’t confront, will they see me differently and in what light do they seem to see me in that light. That’s couldn’t matter anyway, they’ve seen me in absolute drunkenness throwing myself to the floor, bloodied, when I arrived home, cops dropping me home from at 5:00 in the morning.
I don’t like being wild anymore, its cold and lonely. Your easy silence kept me calm and safe, from all the cars, buses, trams, trains, helicopters, planes, sirens, fumes, engines, stupid fucking love songs. All the white noise that piles over my mind and keeps me from sleeping at night. Even now thinking about you, your hair, your skin your eyes and breasts calm me in the morning and keep me sane for the time being.
But will these memories of you fade, like all memory’s fades. Like dusty mirrors they reflect a different image of a time when I was happy. Will I ignore the arguments or just laugh at them because of how petty they actually are, I’d take your side if I had my time again.
But when those memories fade will, or are they already faded out because they miss your life in them,.
The girl at the café thinks I’m cute and kind of interesting, I don’t want to be alone, but I miss your touch. Will I even be able to give her the same love I gave to you, the same connection. It might not be love but I feel she deserves a real connection to me if she wants to get to know me.
The girl at the café is crazy about me, do I share her my pain can we share each other’s body and emotions with one another?
I can’t feel better. I don’t want to scare her.
It’s not her, I just can’t feel anything.
I’ve given you my best, I don’t think I can share it with anyone else.
Resolve, I see your soul everywhere I find you unassumingly on the tram,